I Broke Down . . . In Front of My Kiddo

Most mornings are really f*ing nuts at our house. It is something that me and the hubs are continuously working on as I know how beneficial it is for the kiddos to have a nice calm morning before being sent off to school. We have some semblance of routine and have made some amazing strides.

Usually I can keep most of the “crazy" in.  

Presenting a more fun relaxed momma until they are whooshed to the next part of the day. 

But often times I slip up, you know kind of lose my shit? Then recover . . . . and possibly slip up again.

Yesterday morning was one of those days where everything was great until I broke down and fucking LOST IT.

I actually felt quite proud of myself that morning; I woke up extra early to account for my moving more slowly and kindly with my body. I felt good for NOT rushing, for taking time to snuggle each little being. To save time for silliness and a very dramatic rendition of Bing Crosby’s “Let Me Call You Sweetheart” while dancing with my back brace. 

It was all good and gravy and then it wasn’t . . . 

  • Monroe still wouldn’t put her socks on. 
  • I moved too quickly with my stupid back brace I stumbled down the stairs. 
  • Left my breakfast on the table
  • After dropping of kid #1 I lost my keys for 7 $%&W$%#% minutes!!

When I finally made it back to the car to drive across town for drop of #2 I just lost my cool.

In that moment I felt defeated. That despite my very best efforts and an awesome morning we were going to be late AGAIN. 

I would be that mom AGAIN who appears to never have her shit together, scrambling and brushing hair as we walk through the doors that are closing on us.

And it felt like a lot, in that moment it hurt. Yes I know this isn't a big thing at all but you know how sometimes things just FEEL really big?

 

So I cried and said out loud the unkind things I was saying inside.

 

“I am feeling like such a bad mom, why can’t I ever get you kids to school on time?!? Why am I always the last person to sign up to help or remember projects and dates? UGH! I am the worst.” 

*more tears*

Then from the back seat my little girl who is whole and wise said so quietly, 

 

“Mom, you are not a bad mom at all. You are the best mom. I would never, ever, say that about you.”

 

And I looked back at her face as she took in my tears and defeat and she lifted her head high and her chest got bigger and she said boldly, with conviction and courage, 

 

“And I don’t EVER want to hear you say that again about yourself! "

PAUSE

"You lost your keys. People lose things. It's no biggie. And I love you no matter what.”

 

And then I smiled right from my heart because I realized in that moment that I am the best goddamn mom, because I am teaching my little girl about compassion and humanity. That she HAS in fact been listening and learning from me. 

I don't feel bad about these moments where I fall a part a little, I love them.

 

These little breakdowns are like gold, they reveal to me the small little pressures I am still putting on myself and where I can keep focusing my loving efforts.

 

These moments show me where I am still unconsciously worrying about how I appear to others. Hoping to get someone’s approval when really I just needed my own in that moment. That compassionate voice that said so lovingly that I am good mom. My good mothering just looks different. That I am human. That I am in crazy pain which adds some stress, that this moment is hard and that is ok. That I don’t need to make it mean anything about my worth as a mother. 

This is why I call self-compassion a “practice", it isn’t something you just learn and then forget about. You must continue to practice it every damn day because you will get little reminders like these where that loving part of you is needed.

 

Life continues to happen and you get to choose to show up critiquing your every move or as a compassionate supporter. I choose to love me.

 

I would have gone through all this dialogue eventually, as offering myself support is something that I practice daily, but this time I was lucky enough to have my little compassionate voice come from my own daughter, what a gift.

If you are wanting to learn how to cultivate this type of love and support with in yourself I highly encourage you to check out my upcoming online course. It's awesome and you won't regret. Just saying ;) Click here to register