Sitting in the waiting room ready to go over my ultrasound and blood work to make sure my thyroid cancer hasn't done anything naughty in the last few months. It's been almost three years since I had half my thyroid removed and the subsequent phone call that dropped the C bomb on me. Three years since I had to call my family and best friend and reassure them yes I have this but please don't worry, I will be just fine.
I am one of the extremely lucky ones.
My C word is the "good" kind to have and since surgery it only requires bi-yearly check ups and daily thyroid medicine. But when I first found out I was still scared and sad. I am scared now to be honest.
I use to feel guilty about my fear or any feelings around this because it could be so much worse and it IS way worse for so many. Way worse in a way I can't clearly comprehend. But downplaying or dismissing my feelings never felt right and only added the feeling of guilt and shame to the already uncomfortable emotions I had.
Getting in a "who has it worse" suffering battle never works and only makes it feel worse. So I'm mindful, not over dramatizing not underplaying, just this is as it is, no more, no less.
This for me right now is a little scary and that's ok. Even if I know the odds are in my favor, there is still that tinge of worry.
So as I sit here I put my hand on my heart and honor that, this moment is tough, of course it is, and internally whisper small words of love and encouragement to myself.
Then I come back to the room and immerse myself in the pleasure right here right now: the grandmother bragging to her care taker about her grandson and smiling proudly as she shows off his picture, the silent and loaded gesture of a husband's frail hand gripping his wife's shaky one, the full belly laughter coming from the medical assistant in the back room.
There is fear, there is sadness and there is also pleasureable occurrences and the "ok"ness of this moment. That's life and I'm so grateful for all of it.
UPDATE: Yay! All good baby baby! Whoop one more year until I go back