It was 2009 and I was on my first silent meditation retreat. I was a few months past a devastating pregnancy loss that left me confused, angry and heartbroken at a deeper level than I had yet to experience as a young woman. But then there was this other, icky emotion that kept surfacing . . . jealousy.
Jealousy felt so wrong and each time it bobbed its ugly head I rejected it and was left feeling an even heavier emotion of shame. Shame ate away at every fiber of my being and broke me down. The internal lashing I gave myself after experiencing a moment of jealousy at the news of another friend’s (or stranger’s) pregnancy would have left the strongest of women cowering in unworthiness.
It was this shame that finally broke me and broke through on this retreat. I sobbed as I explained to my meditation teacher what a horrible person I was because despite feeling genuinely happy at the news of others impending parenthood, I was also tarnished with envy. And his reply was this “Well of course you feel this way. You are a woman that just lost a baby, something that you desperately want. Of course you are feeling jealous of those who are pregnant.”
And at that moment everything changed.
I said it over and over again internally “Of course, of course, OF COURSE you do baby girl.”
And with that my shoulders retreated, my belly filled with breath and my shame lifted like a heavy fog off my soul.
For the first time I felt myself accept what I was feeling fully. My body flooded with kindness, understanding and love at the gentleness of these words, “Of Course”.
I felt immense grief, anger and jealousy and it was all welcomed.
I began to grasp a deeper understanding of being a human, that despite our best efforts we still have real, raw, messy emotions - that is part of experiencing life. Such a simple shift, a shift of acceptance, but how many of us struggle with this exact thing?
Beating ourselves up for feeling angry, sad, disappointed, lonely or jealous only leaves us deflated and small.
Acknowledging you are human, observing when life feels hard doesn’t mean you dwell and marinade in the dark and never come out. It is simply seeing things as they are; there can be fear and excitement, anger and gratitude, sadness and joy. This is what makes us beautiful and learning to see this beauty and wrap your arms around all of you with love and adoration only strengthens your courage and ability to do big things in this world.
Learning how to befriend yourself is a practice and a skill. I work diligently with my clients helping them uncover those areas that need tenderness and acceptance so they can be their own advocates. And then I watch them experience the freedom and confidence that comes with understanding and wholeness.
If you are ready to do big brave things, feel lighter in your body, connect deeper with yourself and those you love then lets work together. I have got some seriously amazing FALL OPPORTUNITIES!
Do any of these resonate with you?
- “You’re so silly for letting yourself be hurt that he doesn’t want to go out with you again. Get over it, he wasn’t your type anyway.”
- “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself, so what you hurt yourself and can’t work out anymore? Seriously? Other people have it way worse than you. This is not worth being upset over.”
- “Oh my gaaawwd you are the worse mom ever! I can’t believe you got so angry over that.”
- “So what you got passed up on that promotion. Suck it up. It is probably because you are so weak and emotional that you did get chosen anyway."
But there is a different way to treat yourself with acceptance of all of your gorgeous emotions.
- “Of course your hurt, a man you had interest in just rejected you, that stings.”
- “Of course you are sad, exercising lights you up, it is a part of you and your community and you can’t participate in this way right now. Of course you feel sad."
- “Of course you are feeling angry. You spent so much time preparing 5 healthy and nutritious meals and your kiddo won’t eat anything but a Ritz cracker, that is frustrating.”
- “Of course you are disappointed. You really wanted that promotion and you got passed up, that is so upsetting.”
Can't wait to coach some amazing people at reduced rates this fall!
And I am teaching Befriend & Becoming Group LIVE in Portland! Eeek!