Ep. 74: Withholding Sex

Have you ever withheld sex as a punishment or have used it as a reward for “good behavior”? I was on a call with a client recently and we were talking about this idea of withholding or rewarding with sex, and it made me think of a time in the early years of my very own marriage when I would tell my husband that if he did certain things, that he would be rewarded with sex. I remember one argument in particular over something really small, and I was paying attention to my brain as it had the thoughts, “I’m going to show him! I’m not going to have sex with him tonight. I might not even have sex with him this whole week!”

This idea of using sex as a reward or withholding it as a punishment is something that we see a lot of in our society. In this episode, I share why this thinking is so damaging to your own self-concept of your sexuality, and why it’s so important to prioritize your pleasure and the connection between you and your partner. 

Topics in this episode

• The underlying message we tell ourselves and our partner when we incentivize sex
• Instead of being for them, sex should be about your own enjoyment and pleasure
• This doesn’t just hurt them. It hurts you too.
• This doesn’t mean that you have to have sex when you’re mad and don’t want to have sex.
• You are the one who creates your own feelings through your thoughts.
• You don’t have to deny yourself the pleasure that is possible

We just finished the group coaching experience, Better Sex in 90 Days. I heard from so many of the women who participated that it was an incredible and life-changing experience. Some of the takeaways were that they learned how to slow down and truly be present, taking time to connect with the body, and getting to experience what it’s like to be a fully pleasured woman. 

As always, it’s been my absolute pleasure to share this episode with you about withholding sex and using sex as a reward. I hope it’s got you thinking about this concept that it is all about your pleasure. Sex isn’t just something to give to your partner. It’s about pleasure, connection, passion. It is for you.